Who Am I?

College has given me plenty to think about over the last year. One of the most recurring themes I’ve noticed is the quest for self-discovery.

I’ve listened to students talk about the struggle to figure out who they are. I’ve written multiple reflections on how different assignments or experiences impacted me. I’ve presented a self-portrait of myself to a class as a class assignment.

College, I've been told, is a time for “discovering your true self.”

The interesting part is that I already know who I am. (I'll come back to that thought.)

What has been truly eye-opening to me, however, is how many people don't know who they are.

I see an athlete, a passionate student, an activist, a hard worker. But those same students say that they are still trying to figure out who they really are.

Why is it so hard for some people to discover themselves, yet I knew who I was even before I stepped foot on campus?

I am not somehow smarter or more intuitive than others. I have the same human struggles and deal with the same feelings of insecurity as everyone else.

But I have a solid rock beneath my feet on which to stand.

I know who I am because I know I am Jesus’.

Please do not stop here because you think that is an oversimplification. It actually took quite the process for me to find my full identity in my Savior.

For a while, several definitions of who I was competed for prominence in my life. “Musician.” “Christian.” “Writer.” “Teacher.” I knew that what Jesus had done in my life mattered greatly, but I felt more valuable if I could add my own skills or accomplishments to the mix.

The mindset was subtle, but powerful. The more I tried to be worthy in my own strength, the more insignificant and unsure I felt. People might have looked at me and seen a confident, accomplished young woman - and, to a degree, that was accurate. But beneath the surface was a growing uncertainty of both who I was and how I should navigate the world into which I was stepping.

That was when God told me to surrender. I had good plans in place (plans that, by the way, seemed both spiritual and Biblical by the modern conservative Christian movement.) It took me a little while to obey my dear, trustworthy Father, but I finally surrendered.

I laid myself down. I walked away from all my plans. As I did so, I found that my plans represented who I was. In practically applying surrender to my life as my Father was asking, I was surrendering my very identity.

At first, I felt undefined.

Who was I? If God did not want me to identify as “successful,” “vocalist,” or “student,” how was I supposed to view myself?

The beauty of Christian identity is that you find yourself not by searching out who you are but by seeking out who Jesus is.

Yes, you heard correctly. Forget yourself (Matt. 16:24). Lay yourself down. Seek Jesus (Matt. 6:33), and Jesus alone.

In a beautiful paradox of love, Jesus reveals who we are when we set our hearts upon discovering who He is.

I found a Shepherd (John 10:11). He told me I am His precious sheep, for whom He would leave an entire flock of sheep to find (Matt. 18:11-14).

I found a Savior and Redeemer (1 John 4:14, Gal. 3:13). He told me I am His redeemed (Isa. 63:9), worth every moment of sacrifice.

I found a Heavenly Bridegroom (Isa. 54:5). He told me I am His spotless Bride (Song of Songs 4:7).

I found perfect Beauty, Holiness, and Righteousness in one Man. He told me He had set His beauty and perfection upon me (Isa. 61:10).

I found Joy, Peace that passes understanding, Love I cannot produce, and Hope I did not know existed. He told me I am His vessel (2 Cor. 4;7,2 Tim. 2:20-21), and He is filling me with the fruit of His Spirit (Phil. 1:11).

I found my identity - I am the Beloved of God (1 John 3:2, 1 Thess. 1:4).

But my precious Jesus did not stop there. He has, in His own timing and much better way, brought many of the things I had surrendered back into my life. I surrendered them honestly thinking that I would never have them again. But Jesus just did not want them to have me!

As I continue to seek an identity that rests solely on the merits of my Savior, I am free to explore my talents. They are indeed a part of my life, but they no longer define who I am. And, if Jesus once again asks, I am ready to lay it all down for the joy of following my King.

That is why, as I look around me at the college scene, I understand when other students wonder who they truly are. “Look within, find your true self,” academia tells them.

I wish I could tell them.

You are valuable - not because of your talent, but because of your Creator.

You are:

• Desired. God longs for you (Isa. 44:22, Eze. 33:11).
• Priceless. God paid His own Life for you (1 Pet. 1:18-20).
• Unique. God knows every individual detail about you (Psa. 139:14-18, Matt. 10:29-31).

You can define yourself on your own terms. But you will never know who you are until you allow the One who made you to shape you into the wonderful human being He created you to be.

I wanted to stop here… but too many messages stop short of full truth. The ultimate reason we cannot find who we are is that we are estranged from our Creator (Heb. 9:6-8). And there is one more piece of identity that only He can help us recognize… sin.

Only when our eyes are opened to His purity, His complete goodness, His rock-solid truth, His majesty, His mercy, His uncompromising judgment, His unconditional love, His unearthly holiness - oh, only when our eyes are opened to Him, the “I Am!” - can we ever see our own sinfulness (Isa. 6:3-5).

Each of us must confront the reality of our identity - sinful, condemned, without hope (Luke 5:8, John 3:18, Eph. 2:12). Only then can we become who we were meant to be - spotless, redeemed, full of eternal hope (Eph. 5:27, Rev. 5:9, Rom. 5:1-2).

College will not tell you what I have written in this post. They're too afraid of offending you. But how tragic it would be for you to live your whole life and never discover who you are… and who you can be.

Are You Happy?

It came to mind recently that I've received that question a good bit when people realize I am going to college. "Do you like your college?" or "Are you happy at your college?" are common questions.

I really appreciate it when people take (what I consider to be) a more realistic approach and ask, "How is college?" Because college is not, foremost, about being happy. While I do deeply appreciate that people care how I feel and want me to be happy, it helps to have perspective.

Life is not about my personal happiness. What is best for me is probably not what is easiest and therefore most pleasant and therefore prone to make me instantly happy. It may be cliche, but I agree that the trials we never wanted to endure can be the key to our greatest growth. As Hebrews more eloquently states, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." (Heb. 12:5b-6) 

While there have been times (as my family can attest!) that I have nearly crumbled under the unexpected workload, the greatest strain by far is spiritual. There is a kind of unique pain that comes from seeing people about whom you care brushing so close to religion, and yet so far from Christ. No matter how many times I hear my Lord's glorious Name misused, it still cuts me each time. I find myself smarting and furious under the blows aimed at the accuracy of God's Word and His Lordship--for He is my Love, my Life! The acceptance and even praise of outright sin sickens and wearies me. Amid raunchy jokes and crude phrases, I long for the purity of Heaven. "Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were." (Psa. 39:12) 

Christians are not meant to live in a spiritual bubble (1 Cor. 5:9-13). But we are also not of this world (Jn. 17:16), and we long for our true, eternal home. 

Earth is so empty. 

"And the earth was without form, and void;" 

Exactly my opinion!

"and darkness was upon the face of the deep." 

What could possibly remedy such a situation?

"And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters."

Before any visible work of God occurred, the Spirit of God was moving upon the dark waters. Wow.

"And God said, Let there be light: and there was light." (Gen. 1:2-3)

I see people blinded by the god of this world. Their world is dark. God must bring the Light. 

Meanwhile, I continue to live in the world, the world that is without form and void, seemingly stripped of meaning and solidarity by relativism. And at the moment I feel so alone, truth triumphs. "We also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses." 

I am not alone. Not only does the Spirit of the Living God dwell within; not only am I invited to lean on my Savior's breast as John did; not only am I ushered into the throne room of my Father, the King of Kings; but I see, in a flash, the multitude of witnesses. Abraham, the first sojourner. Moses, who forsook earthly position for affliction with God. Daniel, no longer in Babylon. Mary Magdalene, who would not desert Jesus even after His death. Paul, the persecutor turned preacher. I see some of my favorite brothers and sisters - Richard and Sabina Wurmbrandt, Hudson Taylor, Ravenhill, Adrian Rogers, and so many more. I see the beautiful faces of unnamed lovers of Jesus from other tribes and lands whom I shall not meet till Heaven. Oh, what a beautiful Body of Christ! And they are witnesses!

Therefore, "let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us," 

This race requires endurance ...

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;" 

... and my Jesus is the Supplier of that endurance!

"who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,"

Jesus endured the cross, not for mere obedience, but for joy!

"despising the shame,"

The junk that the world throws at us is not to be passively accepted; Jesus endured His cross while despising and rejecting that which was not of God. 

"and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

For my Jesus has triumphed. Amen!

"For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself,"

Jesus endured contradiction, opposition.

"lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds." (Heb. 12:1b-3)

If we focus merely on opposition instead of the One Who conquered sin, death, and the enemy, we will surely be wearied and faint in our minds!

So set your gaze on Jesus. Know that though the world may offer us opposition and shame in place of ease and happiness, there is great joy in Jesus' victory!

Am I happy? Sometimes, but not always. But I have something better. I have the joy of Jesus through the Holy Spirit, even when my heart is breaking over sin.

In Its Time

Two years ago to the day, I graduated high school.  To that point, my life had been structured through school and activities.  I understood what was expected of me in high school life and applied myself to the best of my ability.  My world was safe and familiar.  Then, in a beautiful and unexpectedly fulfilling ceremony with six other graduates, the known chapter of my life closed.

Anytime I slowed down enough to listen, God told me to surrender my life to Him.  To trust Him practically.  If I could trust my future to Him after my death, was I not willing to trust Him with my future here on earth?

You see, I had a good plan.  I was going to get a college degree in music cheaply and quickly through non-traditional means.  I already had a year of credits.  I did not know exactly how to pull it together or what I would do when I had my music degree, but I held my plans in a soul death-grip.

If I give up all my plans, I thought, won’t I have a horrible, vast, blank sheet of time stretching endlessly before me?  What will I do?!

As my fear and hesitancy to surrender continued, God’s voice increased.  I began to realize that my spiritual life would be massively hindered and even begin to wither if I did not yield.  And then I actually saw the deadness creeping into my life.  Torn by my stagnancy and my heavenly Father’s strong command, I finally yielded my plans.

The process of practically walking away from my plans, and from all my music, was not easy.  But bit by bit, each tie began to break and leave me freer to follow God.  As I surrendered my life, He faithfully showed me the next step: Basic Training at Ellerslie Discipleship School in Colorado.

For the next two years of my life, my faith was strengthened as I watched God perfectly guide my steps.  I had no earthly guide to follow.  I did not know whether to aim for college, a career, a mission field, or anything else.  I had seen only one friend, with whom I did not get to spend much time, trust God to lead every step of the way even when earthly sight could not see beyond the present moment.  Could God lead me the same way?  

While at Basic Training, God showed me to go back to Ellerslie when the training opened next semester for an additional nine weeks of Advanced Training. Because God had me at Ellerslie at exactly the right time when their programs were changing, I was able to attend part of the Advanced training for just nine weeks instead of the previous ten months, which seemed a long time to be away from home.  The time at Advanced Training was an amazing blessing and exactly what I had been wanting!  I am so grateful that God sent me back!  (Note: for any Ellerslie people out there, this was the nine-week end of the “old” Advanced Training; I don’t know anything about the new Advanced Training!)

When I finished Advanced, I only knew that I was coming home.  What would I do once I was home?  I trusted God to show me… and He did!  I was surprised at how busy I was kept as He filled the end of my spring and early summer.  Once life quieted down, the test really came as to whether I trusted God to guide me, even if it was day by day.  Only God could have upheld me and kept me resting in Him.  He perfectly led me and gave me tasks each day.  I had a pleasant, relaxed, but productive end of my summer as God continued to grow me spiritually.  

But what about fall?  I had made no plans for myself since God had made it clear that my job was to wait on Him and follow wherever He led.  All at once, my fall came together!  God provided a mix of music, ministry, and one college class at the local community college.  Fall was far busier than I had anticipated - almost too busy!  If I was worried about sitting around twiddling my thumbs, I had no cause for fear.  Once again, God had perfectly timed and planned each detail of my life.

When Christmas break came, I was more than ready.  I needed a rest.  Looking ahead, I decided not to take a class during the spring semester, which opened up a large chunk of time.  What would I do with all that time?

God had kept me so faithfully moving from each thing to the next that I was disturbed when February came around and I found myself with plenty of extra time.  What was God doing?  

Though I could not tell humanly for a couple months, God was still perfectly faithful.  He had to bring me face-to-face with erroneous aspects my worldview, and I would never have been quiet enough to listen without so much time. I had always thought that I had a sound, Biblical worldview; and, in many ways, I did. But my Biblical worldview was more of a borrowed one from speakers and writers than one I had built solely from the foundation of God's Word. A Biblical worldview is very different from a Christ-view. Subconsciously, my Biblical lens was more about being right, whereas a Christ-lens focuses on Christ preeminent and glorified. It felt so freeing to allow the Holy Spirit to release me from men's doctrines and opinions!

As God faithfully renewed my mind, He also began to show me that, for at least a year and a half, I had seen His faithfulness to lead me.  However, I did not always have to live life without “a plan.”  My plans had been surrendered completely to Him… but He could give me a plan if He wanted to.

All at once, the clarity of Scripture pierced through my inner man.  To every thing there is a season, and a time…  For the first time, I saw the year and a half of “trusting God for my future and not planning it myself” as a season.  And a new season was coming.  ...A time to break down, and a time to build up.  That foundation of faith and surrender was a foundation, not the whole building itself.  A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones…  The principle of trusting God and not taking matters into my own hands still stands, but now it stands as an integrated part of me from which specific action may find a surer course.  A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.  The idea of being able to move forward purposefully was invigorating.  I sensed myself moving into a season of practical changes.  A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak. (excerpts from Ecc. 3:1-7)

God handed me college.  The dream I had surrendered.  When He gave me college, it was so much better than what I had given up.  Instead of collecting credits from everywhere I can, I am planning to commute to Emory & Henry College, just 15 minutes from our house.  Rather than just studying music, God first focused my attention on Mass Communications and added Vocal Performance as a double-major once I knew I was going to college.  

This blog post would be a book if I described each detail I have seen God work out, just in the area of college.  God’s timing in when and how I met the music professors.  God’s timing in the music classes I had already taken.  God’s guidance to take these CLEP tests but not the ones I was about to take since I did not need that credit.  God’s provision in my ACT scores. God's financial provision through scholarships, programs, and awards.  Everywhere I turn in this college journey, God has showered me with His favor and blessing.

What will I do with my college degree?  I will trust God with it!  He knows exactly how it should be used.  And, in His perfect time, He will show me.

As this chapter of my “sporadic” life comes to a close, I want to bear testimony to the absolute faithfulness and trustworthiness of God.  It is not that I have proven anything by allowing God to be God in my life.  “If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.” (2 Tim. 2:13)  But He claims every yielded vessel and delights to write a life story for each of His children that is just as unique as their souls.  To God alone the glory!