Two years ago to
the day, I graduated high school. To that point, my life had been
structured through school and activities. I understood what was expected
of me in high school life and applied myself to the best of my ability.
My world was safe and familiar. Then, in a beautiful and
unexpectedly fulfilling ceremony with six other graduates, the known chapter of
my life closed.
Anytime I slowed
down enough to listen, God told me to surrender my life to Him. To trust
Him practically. If I could trust my future to Him after my death, was I
not willing to trust Him with my future here on earth?
You see, I had a
good plan. I was going to get a college degree in music cheaply and
quickly through non-traditional means. I already had a year of credits. I
did not know exactly how to pull it together or what I would do when I had my
music degree, but I held my plans in a soul death-grip.
If I give up all my
plans, I thought, won’t I have a horrible, vast, blank sheet of time
stretching endlessly before me? What will I do?!
As my fear and
hesitancy to surrender continued, God’s voice increased. I began to
realize that my spiritual life would be massively hindered and even begin to
wither if I did not yield. And then I actually saw the deadness creeping
into my life. Torn by my stagnancy and my heavenly Father’s strong
command, I finally yielded my plans.
The process of
practically walking away from my plans, and from all my music, was not easy.
But bit by bit, each tie began to break and leave me freer to follow God.
As I surrendered my life, He faithfully showed me the next step: Basic
Training at Ellerslie Discipleship School in Colorado.
For the next two
years of my life, my faith was strengthened as I watched God perfectly guide my
steps. I had no earthly guide to follow. I did not know whether to
aim for college, a career, a mission field, or anything else. I had seen
only one friend, with whom I did not get to spend much time, trust God to lead
every step of the way even when earthly sight could not see beyond the present
moment. Could God lead me the same way?
While at Basic
Training, God showed me to go back to Ellerslie when the training opened next
semester for an additional nine weeks of Advanced Training. Because God had me at Ellerslie
at exactly the right time when their programs were changing, I was able to
attend part of the Advanced training for just nine weeks instead of the
previous ten months, which seemed a long time to be away from home. The time at Advanced Training was an amazing
blessing and exactly what I had been wanting! I am so grateful that God
sent me back! (Note: for any Ellerslie people out there, this was the
nine-week end of the “old” Advanced Training; I don’t know anything about the
new Advanced Training!)
When I finished
Advanced, I only knew that I was coming home. What would I do once I was
home? I trusted God to show me… and He did! I was surprised at how
busy I was kept as He filled the end of my spring and early summer. Once
life quieted down, the test really came as to whether I trusted God to guide
me, even if it was day by day. Only God could have upheld me and kept me
resting in Him. He perfectly led me and gave me tasks each day. I
had a pleasant, relaxed, but productive end of my summer as God continued to
grow me spiritually.
But what about
fall? I had made no plans for myself since God had made it clear that my
job was to wait on Him and follow wherever He led. All at once, my fall
came together! God provided a mix of music, ministry, and one college
class at the local community college. Fall was far busier than I had
anticipated - almost too busy! If I was worried about sitting around
twiddling my thumbs, I had no cause for fear. Once again, God had
perfectly timed and planned each detail of my life.
When Christmas
break came, I was more than ready. I needed a rest. Looking ahead,
I decided not to take a class during the spring semester, which opened up a
large chunk of time. What would I do with all that time?
God had kept me so
faithfully moving from each thing to the next that I was disturbed when
February came around and I found myself with plenty of extra time. What
was God doing?
Though I could not
tell humanly for a couple months, God was still perfectly faithful. He
had to bring me face-to-face with erroneous aspects my worldview, and I would
never have been quiet enough to listen without so much time. I had always
thought that I had a sound, Biblical worldview; and, in many ways, I did. But
my Biblical worldview was more of a borrowed one from speakers and writers than
one I had built solely from the foundation of God's Word. A Biblical worldview
is very different from a Christ-view. Subconsciously, my Biblical lens was more
about being right, whereas a Christ-lens
focuses on Christ preeminent and glorified. It felt so freeing to allow the
Holy Spirit to release me from men's doctrines and opinions!
As God faithfully
renewed my mind, He also began to show me that, for at least a year and a half,
I had seen His faithfulness to lead me. However, I did not always have to
live life without “a plan.” My plans had been surrendered completely to
Him… but He could give me a plan if He wanted to.
All at once, the
clarity of Scripture pierced through my inner man. To every thing
there is a season, and a time… For the first time, I saw the year and
a half of “trusting God for my future and not planning it myself” as a season.
And a new season was coming. ...A time to break down, and a time
to build up. That foundation of faith and surrender was a foundation,
not the whole building itself. A time to cast away stones, and a time
to gather stones… The principle of trusting God and not taking
matters into my own hands still stands, but now it stands as an integrated part
of me from which specific action may find a surer course. A time to
get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. The
idea of being able to move forward purposefully was invigorating. I
sensed myself moving into a season of practical changes. A time to
rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.
(excerpts from Ecc. 3:1-7)
God handed me
college. The dream I had surrendered. When He gave me college, it
was so much better than what I had given up. Instead of collecting
credits from everywhere I can, I am planning to commute to Emory & Henry
College, just 15 minutes from our house. Rather than just studying
music, God first focused my attention on Mass Communications and added Vocal
Performance as a double-major once I knew I was going to college.
This blog post
would be a book if I described each detail I have seen God work out, just in
the area of college. God’s timing in when and how I met the music professors.
God’s timing in the music classes I had already taken. God’s
guidance to take these CLEP tests but not the ones I was about to take since I
did not need that credit. God’s provision in my ACT scores. God's
financial provision through scholarships, programs, and awards.
Everywhere I turn in this college journey, God has showered me with His
favor and blessing.
What will I do with
my college degree? I will trust God with it! He knows exactly how
it should be used. And, in His perfect time, He will show me.
As this chapter of
my “sporadic” life comes to a close, I want to bear testimony to the absolute
faithfulness and trustworthiness of God. It is not that I have proven
anything by allowing God to be God in my life. “If we believe not, yet he
abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself.” (2 Tim. 2:13) But He claims
every yielded vessel and delights to write a life story for each of His
children that is just as unique as their souls. To God alone the glory!
