Real Repentance

In my last post, I talked about my desire to be vulnerable. I have learned much about navigating everyday life and struggles through other women's blogs, and I feel like it is my turn to share new understanding that God showed me.

Some days, I end up in a downward spiral that seems impossible to get out of. It often starts with a bad attitude... then an action from that attitude... and then I'm in a cycle of increasingly selfish attitudes and uncontrolled reactions. (I have a feeling that I'm not the only one with days like these!) In the hopes that it may help someone else, I am sharing some of what I've learned. 

I hate those days. But it's not the day itself that I hate - it's the mess I've made of a perfectly good day that God gave me. 

One of my recent days began going down that path. The worst thing about my "sin spiral" is that while I've watched others snap out of a bad attitude in minutes, I haven't been able to. 

And I began wondering why.

So, I took it to God.

At its root, a bad attitude for any reason is a sin issue. Sin causes guilt. When I don't deal with the sin, it makes a bad attitude even worse because I already feel guilty.

The strange thing is, I thought I was dealing with sin. I typically acknowledge my sin to God and ask Him to forgive me pretty quickly. But I realized that I was not actually repenting; I was just recognizing my sin.

I would ask God to forgive me, but I still felt guilty. And it was the guilt that perpetuated the cycle of bad attitudes.

I was allowing the guilt from my sin to rule my life and my attitudes. I knew God would forgive me, but I felt unworthy to immediately enter His presence and again be filled with joy and peace. Surely I need a "transition period" so that I can actually suffer from my sin and show God how sorry I am, right? One where I just mope about and feel distanced from God? Wrong.

If I say I have repented because I asked for forgiveness but I continue living as though that sin holds weight over my present, then I have not repented.

Repenting is more than saying, "I'm sorry." It carries the idea of turning from one thing to another. For years, I have known the illustration that repenting means turning from the direction you were walking and walking in the opposite direction. But knowing something is not the same as putting that knowledge to action. I realized that I was often sorry about the "direction" in which I had been walking, but I never actually changed direction.

Why?

I need grace. Repenting is not something I can do on my own. I am not strong enough to turn from sin. I need grace to humble myself and consciously choose a different attitude. 

There was another reason I was stuck. I was believing a lie. You can't just act all selfish like that and then turn around and pretend that you're a perfect little Christian who never stumbles. You can't turn right from self-centered words to praising Jesus. That's being a fake and putting on a "good girl" front that isn't really who you are.

But I realized something. Satan was telling me the lie that I'm a fake if I repent. He was telling me that the "real me" is the old, selfish Jordan. God tells me that the "real me" is the one whom He has redeemed and made a new creation. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. 

The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

~ 2 Cor. 5:17

In fact, I realized something else. I am actually being a fake when I refuse to take God's repentance and instead wallow in my guilt. Selfish, sinful Jordan is not the real me. God has destroyed that old nature! Redeemed, restored Jordan is the true me. 

This is my reality: God has redeemed me, and I need to walk in that redemption.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; 

stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." 

~ Gal. 5:1

I am still beginning to live this out in little ways. I'm not a five-year veteran in this area who has it all figured out.

But I am a firm believer in the truth of God's Word and the power of His grace to work mightily in our lives. He has the victory over sin... and He invites us to die to self, yield to Him, and live in His power.

I'm in.